Saturday, January 19, 2013

"Oww, my back hurts..." Cry me a RIVER!

Ah yes, I have to rant. I truly enjoy my friends pregnancies. I NEVER thought I would be able to say that but I found that having my living children and completing our family has been very healing. Many times during miscarriages I had to "deactivate" my facebook and stop socializing while picking up the pieces of my life. Sometimes I felt guilty, many times I didn't. It was a way to survive. Now I thoroughly enjoy facebooking and emailing and watching the documentation of friend's pregnancies, births, and growing children. I'm among them, posting pictures, commenting about my kids, etc.

What I can't stand however, are the chronic complainers. You know them. Not the friend's that occasionally complain about ailments during pregnancy. Pregnancy is hard for anyone whether it is relatively "easy" or not. I totally understand and have become VERY tolerant ( I feel) when friends have some bad days in their pregnancies and are hurting or uncomfortable. What I have a really hard time reading are the daily or every other day complaints from pregnant friends who have never experienced a loss "My back is killing me. I wish I didn't have to go to such and such doctor every week." or "I'm so done with this pregnancy, so uncomfortable, baby is squishing my lungs and I can't breathe." or "I was placed on bed rest. This is the worst ever. Can't wait for this to be over."

I always bite my tongue and hide their feed or defriend. But now I have this lovely blog where I can vent as much as my little heart wants! And maybe some of you can relate. So for all of you chronic complainers, next time you want to post about which vetrebra your baby is playing footsie's with or you are counting down the "miserable" days of pregnancy, think about this:

Maybe instead of complaining, think about going to the doctor and hearing-
 "I'm sorry, your baby died." or
 "We are going to have deliver now and there is no chance your baby will survive." or
 "There is nothing we can do for him/her, you can terminate now or carry to term but your baby won't survive." or how about this for difficult pregnancies-
 "You have to have a cerclage placed at 12 weeks to carry any baby (you find this out AFTER it went undiagnosed and you lost a baby during the second term)." Don't even get me started about what it's like to have a pregnancy with a cerclage... the unknown, the fear, THAT'S uncomfortable. But you didn't hear me complaining because at that point I would have climbed Mount Everest without a peep if it meant having a living baby.

So think about those difficulties above and be happy that at least your babies are alive and kicking your parts to high heaven and able to grow big and make it hard for you to breathe. Hopefully this puts things into perspective for you chronic complainers. And if your symptoms aren't all that bad and you just need some loving and attentive care from your family and friends (which I can totally understand) how about you be sensitive to those of us, who you may not even know about, who have endured losses and instead put "Having a hard time, need words of encouragement" or "I could really use someone to make a meal or help me with the house work" or "I'm so blessed to be chosen to carry this baby even through this difficult pregnancy". Or privately email friends and family who can help. I don't think it's only women who have experienced loss that don't want to hear "Whine whine can't wait for this pregnancy to be over, this is the worst." I don't think anyone wants to really hear that.... I am a firm believer in facebook support though and am the first to offer encouragement. I had a much more HARSH blog waiting to be published but I'm curbing it because maybe you didn't realize what you were doing or no one has filled you in what's it's like on the "other side" of pregnancy. I will end with this though.

I don't care if you are carrying 8 babies. I don't care if you planned this or not. I don't care if the doctor told you that you had to stand on your head for the next four months. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LUCKY YOU ARE? You are CARRYING LIFE. Women would give all of their arms and legs to be in the position. Women pay $100,000 for just the CHANCE to do what you're doing. And frankly, if you think things are rough NOW, you have a shocking surprise coming when your baby is BORN. If you think your back hurts now, imagine holding a fussy and hungry baby ALL NIGHT LONG, then having to get up and do it all again the next day, and the next day, and the next. Imagine not being able to leave your house or take a shower or have sex with your husband or have a moment to yourself because now your baby is on the outside demanding your attention. It's time to put on your big girl panties and quit your complaining because whether you intended it or not, you are a MOM now and that means sacrifice. We all do it. Yea, it sucks sometimes but if we all complained every day about our sacrifices, how much fun would facebook really be? Again, this is in no way directed to the occasional complainers. I am one myself. It's awesome to comisserate but make sure to put the blessings of your children in there. I think if you have to ask if you are a chronic complainer, that's means you probably are. Or you can just go back to your "timeline" on facebook and see how many "negative vs positive" posts you have regarding your pregnancy. I don't feel guilty or harsh for posting this. I have earned the right to post this.


  1. You hit the nail on the head here! I see this so much at work it is unreal. I actually had a fellow co-worker have a conversation with ME about how she can't wait to have this baby because now she has gestational diabetes and she can't do this and she can't do that. I wanted to be like HELLO???? Maybe you should go talk to someone else about this. Considering everyone I work with knows about my son being born premature and passing. People are clueless I think. Either that or they just like to hear themselves talk. She was a constant complainer before so I probably shouldn't be surprised.

  2. Oh my goodness yes, work was the worst. Unfortunately EVERYONE knew against my wishes. It COMPLETELY took me off guard. All of the comments, not just the pregnant complainers but it was like I was on candid camera that first day I got back. I swear it went from one to the next all day- "at least you know you can have kids now" to "you can always have another one" to "Everything happens for a reason, it wasn't the right time" to "Have faith in God's plan" to those that completely ignored me. It was like that for the duration there, 4 years, and it's like that even now living in another state. There, I was expecting more.... insight and just some I'm sorry's seeing as at the time I worked at a psychiatric hospital and we were all mental health professionals... I mean SERIOUSLY?? What really made me cringe, and this in no way discounts miscarriages (which I've had a gazillion of as well), was when people said stuff like "people have miscarriages all the time and get over it, some don't even talk about it. Why can't you move on." Ummm, dipshit, this was my LIVING baby that I LABORED and GAVE BIRTH TO and held as he died and then BURIED. This was not some chromosomal issue, this was my body FAILING at it's most important job. So those comments were the worst. I eventually started getting on my soapbox and informing them of what exactly happened and how what they were saying completely minimized what I was going through. I'm not the most popular person on the planet..... I got a lot of comments from well meaning women trying to relate with stories about their chemical pregnancies and I appreciated their effort, also others who said they knew how I felt because they lost a beloved pet, cringeworthy, but those people I could deal with. Those others I stated above.... I wanted to punch their face in.... And like you, I had a girl in my office who got pregnant shortly after losing Ian, she had been there for me through it, knew all the details, and SHE is the one that pissed and moaned in front of me the ENTIRE PREGNANCY. How do you deal with that? It was all I could do not to completely go off on her. They just don't get it I guess. Wow, I blabbed your ear off. I love your comments and feedback!!

  3. I'm laughing so hard right now. And only for the fact that there is someone out there who knows EXACTLY what I'm feeling and thinks the same thing. I swear its like those movie moments where the character beats the living hell out of the other person, only to realize they are still being asked something and it was all a daydream! lol I feel that way a lot. I just walk away, especially if there are others involved in the conversation.

  4. "I swear its like those movie moments where the character beats the living hell out of the other person, only to realize they are still being asked something and it was all a daydream!"

    YES. That's EXACTLY how it is. Couldn't have said it better myself!

  5. The one I found particularly hard, seeing my sister-in-law had written on Facebook, the day after my husband and l had watched our twin sons being buried (born at 23 weeks), about what a pain it was having to feed her newborn daughter so often. It STILL has me seething 8 months on!

  6. Sorry for the delay in posting your comment Amy. I know EXACTLY how your feel. Those comments people make will always burn me, even years later. Thank you for reading and commenting!


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