Saturday, March 23, 2013

To Ian, on your brother's birthday

Hello my dear one. It's late at night and everyone else is asleep. This is one of the times I feel closest to you. I almost feel as if you are here to celebrate C's birthday as well. I miss you darling. I wish all three of my boys could be with me together. It would be a wonderful life, but alas, it wasn't meant to be. I don't know if you actually watch over us, in fact I hope you are joyfully and blissfully oblivious to the crap here among the living. Yet I feel you strongly sometimes, especially when it involves N and C and I can't help but daydream that you watch over them, laugh at their ridiculous hijinks, and send amazing love to them (and me). Your birthday is coming up next in the "boys consecutive birthday months" haha. They will celebrate your birth and passage to a brighter world with a party just like this one. I'm amazed at how they celebrate someone they've never met. And they do it with no negativity, just joy and thankfullness for the connection to you in the limited way they know. They feel connected to you as brothers even though you came first. It's amazing. I constantly learn from them. As the grief of your loss fades, I find comfort in our chats, and I appreciate my living children. They heal me. I will always long for you and thinking of your short time here will always bring me pain, but I'm making progress. I will always be a work in progress. I will never be "fixed" or completely healed because I will always remember. And that's ok. I would rather have the experience/memories that I have and be broken, than to have never experienced you and be whole. Which means you have taught me true love in ways I didn't know existed, selflessness, humility, and most of all patience. I'm slowly starting to reach out, share your story, maybe your picture, and I'm trying to help some women get through similiar trying times. Or at least connect with others who have been through similiar experiences so that no one feels alone. You have done that for me Ian. This was not something I did on my own. I fought it for 8 years in fact. But you come to me and whisper to me and your story and your life repeats in my head. I see your story in other women and I could no longer stay silent. I wanted to keep you all to myself. I felt entitled to some selfishness. That if I had to go through those horrors, then I wanted you, the only good and perfect and beautiful part of that mess, all for myself. I wanted to covet you, keep you secret, keep you untainted, my secret that no one else is privy too because they didn't experience the PAIN and the GRIEF. But that is not what your life is about. It's not about me. It's not about this world hurting you, it can't hurt you. What we went through was horrible. But there are so many people going through the same horrors, looking for answers and support. I will be there for them now. I will tell them about my Ian. The ups the downs, the dirty messes of my life, how we managed to build a family with constant loss, sadness, and grief.... this is my job in this life. Your job has been fulfilled and that was to bring us together, albeit briefly, which would lead to great change in me. Meeting you in the way we did, has made me a better person. A person who can now stand up on her own two feet and say "Let me tell you about our first son and what happened to us." I love you sweetheart. I'd give anything for another few minutes completely free of Morphine and all consuming grief, to do it over, do it right, connect in a less messy way. I'd take just one minute. I miss you so baby. Always. I love you Ian.

5 comments:

  1. I just recently suffered a second trimester loss of our little girl at 22 weeks and 6days, prior to that we suffered a miscarriage at 8 weeks. The first was devastating but the second was even worse because everything was going great until 3-25-13 when it wasn't due to incompotent cervix! I already struggle with PCOS and obesity so being able to get pregnant so easily those times was a blessing, but I feel that my body continues to let me down. I am traumatized by what has happened especially with the incompetent cervix. I want to get pregnant as soon as we can, but I have to admit I'm scared, what if this happens again??! I won't be able to take another loss. I have research IC until I'm blue in the face, and I know what I want to do which is get an abdominal cerclage because it has a 90% + success rate. Am I crazy? I'm not sure that the MFM doctors with be willing to do it though. I have read great success stories yours being one of them; they give me hope. My husband and I agree we just hate the waiting game, we want to be parents like everyone else. Any advice would be appreciated.

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  2. We just lost our precious babies last tuesady 04/02/13 due to Incompetent Cervix. It's just breaking my heart, my husband and I been trying for the last 6years, and decided to do IVF and finally I got preggo with twins. I carried for the last 4months, and now their gone. I'm trying to strong but it seems pretty hard, especially when i saw them dying in my chest. I want to get pregnant again but I'm scared it may happen again. My dr. Told me that we should be okay getting pregnant normally ( I hope so). I would love to hear some Inputs and advices.

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  3. April, I'm so sorry to hear about your losses. I understand your pain and fear. I can't imagine the heartache of doing IVF, getting pregnant with twins after all that time, and then going through that horrific loss. I'm so sorry my dear. Do you live in the states? My husband and I are discussing this and we both feel you should definitely try again. I know you are in a lot of pain and are afraid, we were feeling the same way but forged ahead and got pregnant soon after losing Ian (4/14/2005). We were scared and felt like we were flying blind because there wasn't a lot of research about cerclage back then. We felt it was a crap shoot and we weren't sure if we would have been able to handle another loss but we gambled. We had a cerclage placed at 10 weeks with my next pregnancy with N, read the section about my first cerclage. Has your doctor discussed you options with you for the next pregnancy- having a preventative cerclage at 12 weeks or having an abdominal cerclage placed prior to IVF that stays in while trying to conceive and the pregnancy? And absolutely get progesterone in oil IM shots every week. My husband did them. I wasn't even on bedrest for my two pregnancies with cerclages and I was a worst case. They hold, they really do. And I had the complication of Beta Strep to contend with so we didn't have sex or took baths the whole time. Whatever you do, do NOT go through another pregnancy with a doctor that believes in the "wait and see" approach. I've seen so many women have multiple second trimester losses this way. Absolutely not, advocate for a cerclage. If you're in the states, they will do it after one loss, other countries have different rules which is horrifying to me. You've had enough loss, the cerclage is your best bet. It is not as precarious as you may think, even with twins. A singleton would be easier on your cervix ultimately but cerclages hold successfully with twins all the time. I used to HATE IT while I was grieving, to hear people say "having another will help", even people who had experienced a late loss and said that to me, because I felt they were minimizing my loss of IAN and saying, well, just have another. But now that I'm 8 years down the line with my two living boys, I can tell you that a new pregnancy and child WILL help ease the pain and bring joy back to you and husband. I won't lie, it won't be easy. We have been robbed of the joys of pregnancy in the worst way. But is IS worth it. Email me at amorecappa@gmail.ocom if you would like to discuss in private. Take care. Again, I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I'm here for you in whatever way you need.

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  4. I lost my baby on Nov. 4th 2013 due to incompetent cervix. She was 22 weeks. 1 day along. Your story made me break into tears again. I long for Annabelle like you long for Ian. She was my first child and I understand love and selflessness more now than anything before.

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I would love to hear from you even if you wish to stay anonymous. Share your story, ask questions, or just say hi :-) You can always reach me at amorecappa@gmail.com