Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Cutting ties

One of the worst things about this journey is how it has changed me. One of the best things about this journey is how it has changed me.

Confused? Me too.

Today's post will be short. 

As the years have gone by and fires have burned bright, my circle of friends has greatly dwindled for many reasons. I have a great number of friends that I can keep in touch with on facebook and that is great for me right now because I can get/give support easily through there at a time when I am "benched" at home.  I have very few people that I actually spend time with these days IRL. Some of it is intentional and some is not. I'm currently a SAHM and my husband takes our one car to work. I don't have money to see people. It's a bummer but my kids are my priority right now. 

What's sad is that I'm realizing that even though I'm technically "through" the trials of building a family, my relationships are still changing. Even my dearest and closest and oldest friends. Even with people who have stuck with me through the nitty gritty of building our family. I'm trying to understand why I can't stay connected with certain people. I'm realizing that no matter how much I try to be a Melanie that somewhat resembles the Melanie they knew and loved, I'm not. That, coupled with the fact that I still don't have the emotional energy/capacity to put into a "new" relationship between that person and the Melanie I am now, is resulting in me having to cut ties. 

It's sad. But I'm realizing that there is nothing I can do. It wouldn't be fair to string them along. It's not fair to expect others to wait around while I figure out who I am now and how I fit into things., 

I've held a lot of guilt about this but this is something that I have to let go. I have to realize that it doesn't make me a bad person. It just means I'm a different person. Things change. Friendships end. Other friendships begin. Life continues.

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