Positive for Rheumatoid factor and low B-12

I will write more another time with all the details but I promised I would always keep my medical information up to date for those of you who may need the information for your own journey. I just tested positive for Rheumatoid factor and low B-12. I'm certain all of my reproductive issues and other random health issues over the last 20 years are somehow all connected to this and hopefully I will get a diagnosis and treatment soon to help me feel better. I will post more another time.

Feelings about your miscarriages/loss after you have living children.

That was a question I was recently asked. I feel weird writing about this and admitting certain things because I don't know if my reaction is the "norm" and I certainly don't want to insult anyone or make the general public think this is how everyone responds. So let's preface this with, in MY experience, the following happened:

I have two living children and I had experienced loss before both of their conceptions.  Prior to Nathan, we lost Ian at 22 weeks.  Six months prior to conceiving Caleb we had our first early miscarriage but the most devastating of my early miscarriages both physically and emotionally- I bled out and almost died during that one, I REALLY wanted that baby, thought it was my last chance to give my son a sibling, was FLOORED that I was now experiencing a first trimester miscarriage after everything we had been through with the later loss, I quit my job because I couldn't handle anything. That low was almost as low as when we lost Ian at 22 weeks.

With Nathan I was never able to wrap my head around "Well, if you hadn't lost Ian, you wouldn't have had Nathan." In fact, I didn't like to think about it. It wasn't a comforting thought. There was never and will never be any sort of feelings that started with "well, at least" or "if this hadn't happened" or "we should just be thankful"..... I think the main reason is because this wasn't my body passing a chromosomally abnormal baby. This was my body being defective and killing my perfect child.

As for the early miscarriage prior to Caleb. I look back on that and can't BELIEVE what a volatile reaction I had to that. NOW, I can actually say that I'm glad that miscarriage happened so I could have my Caleb. I can't imagine if that baby had lived and we didn't have Caleb. I'm so thankful that things worked out how they did and not how I wanted. Is it made easier by the fact that it was likely an abnormal "fetal pole" and my body was doing the "right thing" that time? It didn't feel like that at the time, that's for sure. But yes, as I sit here now, I can honestly say that I'm glad I suffered that miscarriage. I could never imagine who that baby could have been. I don't have any regrets other than how I handled it at the time. Of course we wish we could see into the future because if I could, then I would have seen my sweetheart Caleb and breezed through that miscarriage knowing who was coming next! But for some reason I was supposed to experience it the way I did.

Even though we were done building our family I suffered a few more early miscarriages after Caleb (I conceived these on the birth control pill). The first one was a real blow because I was farther along when the baby died- 7.5 weeks, we had seen the heartbeat a few times, and were dealing well with the idea of making our family of 4 into a family of 5. But still, the grief from that miscarriage didn't come near to the grief of the one before Caleb.

So will the pain of loss get easier or go away after children.... will the trials and tribulations of the  "journey" be a distant memory that no longer matters after children..... It depends on the person and the situation. After living children, the trials and tribulations turned from despairing dark horrors, into milestones that made me appreciate these children more. They became positive in a way. All but losing Ian and the circumstances surrounding that. Those will forever be etched in our hearts and minds forever. The pain is no longer a constant sharp knifing to my body and heart like it was 8 years ago and for years after but it is definitely there always, and always will be. Like the dull throbbing of a headache about to get bad, occasionally I feel the sharpness, but it's few and far between.

A surprising thing that has happened as my living children grow to be older, is that Ian's loss in particular has allowed some joy, in the sense that our children love to hear about their older brother and like to think of him in heaven watching over them. That was unexpected joy for sure, but joy nonetheless. How they process his death and "remember him" is so abstract and sheds a new kind of light and understanding on it for me and my husband. And it's nice. It's a nice change. They weren't there for the horrors of it so their perception is so..... light, and gentle, and loving, and kind, and hopeful, and sweet, and heart warming. Those are not things that I ever thought would be brought to the experience of Ian.

So that, my friends, is the answer to the question the person asked in more depth and maybe you will feel free to share your feelings about it :-)

One of the things I did to make it through....

Going through a subsequent pregnancy with a cerclage after a prior second trimester loss is a special kind of hell. Not one second of my pregnancies with Nathan and Caleb were carefree and joyful. I felt like I held my breath the whole time and begged God everyday on my knees to please let me have this one.
So I was newly pregnant with Nathan (didn't know he was Nathan yet), just had the cerclage placed the month prior, and I was having a really rough day at work at the psych hospital so I sat down and cried. Felt my blood pressure was up and he was kicking up a storm and I needed to do something to acknowledge him, bond with him, and calm me down. Poetry and Powerpoints are NOT my strong points so keep that in mind. It's what I felt compelled to do. Nathan LOVES it when I read it to him now :-)

Everyone, absolutely everyone on this planet, needs to read this book.

I strongly recommend everyone read "Proof of Heaven-A Neurosurgeon's Journey into the Afterlife" by Eben Alexander, M.D. 
This isn't your run of the mill near death experience, this is the REAL DEAL. 

http://www.thedailybeast.com/newsweek/2012/10/07/proof-of-heaven-a-doctor-s-experience-with-the-afterlife.html

I'd love to hear your feedback on it after you read it! Thanks guys. Love you all.

Spam-Captcha's going back on

I've gotten two spam comments just this morning so I hate to do this but I'm moderating comments again and putting the captcha back on. Sorry guys. How freaking obnoxious.

Just to clarify....

I've gotten a lot of private feedback from friends and family about my post regarding change, and I assure you, if you are concerned about that post being about you, it's NOT. It was more of a preaching to the choir thing and just and awareness, more than a "I'm going to beat you over the head with what you can't possibly understand".  As I'm rereading it today I'm seeing that it had an angry vibe and a "my pain is worse than yours" and I SO didn't mean it that way. I think reading other blogs about people going through it right now is why I got so feisty about it. So all of you awesome folks in my life, please don't feel like I'm singling anyone out or saying that our relationships how they are now aren't enough. I love you all :-)

HTML drama, bear with me please

I've been trying to get these ads on here correctly and in the process, totally F-ed up my entire scheme so bear with me. I don't know if I will be able to get it back to how it was before. ARGGGGGGGHHHH!!

Another lovely drawing of Ian's name

Thank you so much Shannon. This means so much to us. We LOVE to see his name and know that he is not forgotten and that others care enough to do these sweet things and read his story. XOXO

Off topic- need Etsy advice

Do any of you have any experience with Etsy, particularly with selling. What sells well, what is there a demand for, is it an easy way to sell homemade things? Basically any experiences you have, advice, information would be great. I've already signed up and read their information but I haven't "opened a store". I guess I'm nervous to get started without hearing any "real people" advice. So please help me if you can! Have a great day!

How we change during continual trauma and the fallout....

Who are we at any given point of our reproductive journey? I'd like to meet the person that says that they are the exact same person they were when they started this hellacious "journey". I use "journey" loosely because that implies that we were willing participants or at least reluctantly going along on this journey. I don't know about you but I can't even count the amount of times I felt like a Giant was whipping me from one side to the other, smashing me into the dirt and dragging me behind him by my hair until it was no longer fun and then he left me there to die. I have a million analogies but those of you have lived it need no analogies. You understand too damn well what I'm talking about.

 

So that brings me to the topic for this post. Change. I've been reading a lot of blogs about how their relationships are changing with friends and family because they aren't the same and no one understands what they are going through. These wonderful and hurting women are holding the guilt and pain and responsibility for tense/failing relationships, isolating when it's strictly a matter of survival, inability to join in others joy and celebrations surrounding pregnancy/new babies. It's all put on us. IT IS SO WRONG.  These kind and courageous women try to stay "normal" for their friends/family/work/society and just suck up the fact that they are going through one of the most horrific experiences a couple can experience in this life. Because God forbid we offend someone or don't live up to their expectations for how we should be dealing with our shit storm. For me, I had up until just recently, friends and family wanting the "Old Melanie" back. I was made to feel bad for being WHO I AM NOW. The OLD MELANIE IS DEAD.

 

We are changed forever aren't we. That seems to be a given. We are not the same people we were. What has been most shocking to me on the "other side" of the family completion spectrum, is that even with cutting out poisonous or unfruitful relationships over the years, now that we have attained our goals and have what we hoped/prayed/strived/fought for..... PEOPLE NOW EXPECT THAT REACHING OUR GOALS MEANS WE CAN GO BACK TO THE WAY IT WAS. Ok so now let's just pretend none of this ever happened, erase the last ten years and move on. That's what friends and family think. Yes, I'm sure they are tired of hearing about our issues/drama and they can't wait to move on and get their loved ones back. I'm berated for still struggling with depression, for having difficulty not being able to keep up with the house work, for not being able to go back to work yet, for still having anger and anxiety issues, for still not having a stable spiritual relationship, for being on so many medications still......  So for those of you who haven't had the pleasure of living our life, let me clarify for you, ready?

 

THE OLD MELANIE AND JOSH ARE DEAD, FOREVER, NEVER TO RETURN. GET THE FUCK OVER IT AND SUPPORT US AS WHO WE ARE NOW. ENJOY US AND SPEND TIME WITH US AS WHO WE ARE NOW. LOSE YOUR DAMN EXPECTATIONS FOR US, FORGET THE PEOPLE YOU WANT US TO BE. And lastly, WE WILL CONTINUE TO CHANGE. GASP!

 

Let me try and give you a little watered down version of "THE CHANGES". 

 

Let me preface this by saying that not only was I changing with every negative HPT, and every loss, and every painful procedure, and every diagnosis.... but there was someone else who was changing in his own way and was just as affected and involved. My dearest hubby. My oh my, I couldn't even figure out who I was at any particular moment, how was I supposed to maintain a relationship with a spouse who was doing the same. AHHHHHHHHHHHH.  You'll see later how badly that bit  me in the ass. Not like I could have done anything differently or better than I did at the time. I did what I could.

 

I wish I was only changed ONCE during this whole process but NO, oh no, it's much more horrible and complicated..... Let's start with completely naive Melanie. Naive Melanie wasn't completely dumb. She was college educated in psychology and worked difficult jobs that taught her that very bad things happen to many. However she thought she was exempt from those particular horrors and she was just the one that was designated to "help" those poor souls. She knew she may have difficulty conceiving due to many years diagnosed with PCOS but surely it would just be a minor delay, nothing serious. And it really wasn't in the grand scheme of things. Took a few years, major diet changes, and she finally got pregnant. Naive Melanie was ECSTATIC and nervous of course. When she found out she was having the son she always wanted, she had never been happier in her whole entire life. That lasted one week. Naive Melanie disappeared forever on April 14th 2005, when she delivered her first son at 22 weeks and he died in her arms.

 

Melanie 1 replaced Naive Melanie immediately, put up some walls, and violently went through the stages of grief many times over, self medicated, self hated, felt hate towards others, jealous, bitter, angry, guilty, and her whole world as she'd known it was gone forever. The God she thought she knew, the spirituality she was exploring, all dead to her. She had been suddenly, shockingly, and horrendously wounded and became isolated, vascillating between apathy and rage/pure hate, defensive, self harming and suicidal. Melanie 1 was barely able to continue working at a high stress job. Melanie 1 and Josh had some talks and made some decisions. They both felt that trying again immediately for another child would help them. They felt they needed a goal, something to focus on, perhaps to help the grief and pain. They got pregnant with Nathan almost immediately.

 

It was then that Melanie 1 left and was replaced by Melanie 2.  Melanie 2 was determined, hopeful but cautious, wanted as much control as possible, took excellent care of her body, REFUSED TO THINK about anything other than this baby (who she knew was a boy) being born full term, healthy, and in her arms in 9 months. She was more positive yet anxious however she started delving into prayer and her spirituality again. Melanie 2 was strong willed, advocated for proper care, became an expert on her reproductive issues and treatments. They went on to have a precarious pregnancy with Nathan-harrowing cerlcage placement, worst case scenario, and then FEAR every second of every day, the agony of carrying a baby and wondering every.single.day if your beloved baby was alive or dead in your body. But Melanie 2 was still strong and determined, pushing away the feelings of fear, inadequacy, and grief over Ian.  Melanie 2 made it full term with her rainbow baby Nathan.

 

Melanie 3 emerged at his birth, full of joy and happiness and excitment. Melanie 3 was relieved and loving and caring and kind. Melanie 3 and Josh brought their new miracle home to their new home and couldn't wait to start a wonderful life. Melanie 3 didn't last very long.

 

She was completely side swiped by Melanie 4, the post partum grieving bitch. Melanie 4 required therapy and medications and was in shock that after all she had been through, why couldn't she just enjoy her miracle, her rainbow baby, and move on with a wonderful life. Melanie 4 suffered a deep chronic depression which was a combination of delayed grieving for Ian and terrible post partum depression. What was wrong with her, everyone asked, including her. Melanie 4 hung around for a LONG time and fucked all kinds of shit up, spiritually, financially, maritally-nothing major. After a major last minute decision to sell their house and move back to the state they were from, Melanie 4 was positive at first, happy and work started looking up. She got a raise and a promotion. She thought this would be a great time to start trying for another baby. Josh was totally onboard. They enjoyed the fall together, were excited about the future plans. Melanie 4 managed to pull herself out of the pits of despair. Melanie 4 and Josh desperately wanted Nathan to have a sibling, it was something they felt very strongly about and were willing to go through the fear and unknown again...... they got pregnant immediately aaaaaannnnndd cue the most horrendous unexplained first trimester miscarriage, Melanie 4 tried hard to deal with it well, she was in shock. Waited 12 weeks for her body to miscarry naturally, only to bleed out in her sister's bathroom on Jan. 1 2010, she almost died, what the hell. There was no reason for that miscarriage. Melanie 4 tried but after the D & C in another state over the holiday and an unsympathetic Supervisor that busted her balls over the phone, Melanie 4 called it quits.

 

Melanie 5 arrived in a full and horrifying mental breakdown. Melanie 5 became completely apathetic and that was all. Sad too. She quit work and gave them a piece of her mind and then laid around in a delusional fog, putting all responsibility and finances on Josh, who has never had to do this and was shell shocked himself. Melanie 5 DIDN'T GIVE A FUCK. About anyone. Melanie 5 was gone. Barely was able to take care of Nathan. Isolated completely and didn't care.  Melanie 5 was completely disconnected from Josh who was working two hard jobs to make ends meet because Melanie 5 was completely and utterly unavailable for anything. She went on and off meds, and then turned into a wreckless uncaring wench that enjoyed drinking and hurting others just to feel SOMETHING. Apathy with the meds, mania while off of them and self medicating....things were the worst they've ever been. Melanie 5 stayed the longest and created the most havoc. Melanie 5 made a piss poor attempt at taking a new job but got fired after only three weeks. Melanie 5 didn't even care that much. She went on her medication and stayed on it, was less miserable, got a puppy, moved to another house and in the process Melanie 5 and Josh decided they would try one.more.time.

 

Melanie 5 left the morning that Melanie 6 found out she was pregnant with Caleb. Melanie 6 knew she was pregnant long before the positive test and she knew he was hers for the long haul. Faced the same stressful pregnancy issues, easier cerclage, but she was happy during this pregnancy even worked a bit. Caleb was born full term and healthy. Melanie 6 was finally truly HAPPY and joyful! She was an improvement on the other Melanie's. Melanie 6 wasn't working and stayed home with him and nurtured him. She thought, I could get used to this. No post partum this time either. She gave him her all, everything she had and SHE LOVED IT. But there was always something in the back of her mind bothering her, like when you forget something and you just can't place what it was........ Then Melanie 6 remembered....  HER MARRIAGE!  After Caleb was born, Melanie 6 was so thrilled to be feeling happy and joyful after all those years feeling depressed, sad, and terrible. She was so thrilled that she was able to stay home with him and care for the completion of their family in peace and happiness. She was so focused on everything else, that she COMPLETELY and inadvertenly threw her husband to the wayside, ignored his needs without even realizing how terrible their marriage was. Melanie 6 really wanted to pretend that everything was normal and happy now that she had their completed family. Except she spent who knows how many years neglecting her marriage and ignoring her husband's stress and pain and fear. Things went unresolved and Josh was the type to bottle it up instead of upset her with his needs and worries. So there they were, with everything they had worked so hard for, finally, trying to just start from there new and fresh, yet they were completely disconnected and their marriage was about to end. It happens. It happens just like that. Melanie (all of them) and Josh are the souliest of soulmates. And if they could be derailed.... anyone can, frightening! The details about the "almost divorce" I won't go into, but it was bad, the things said and done were very uncharacteristic of us but who the hell knew WHO WE WERE ANYMORE. I didn't keep track of Josh's changes 1-6, like I did mine. I assumed he was fine and just kept it all together and could pick up the slack and not need the support right now. There was a lot of hurt, years of unresolved and undiscussed issues. 

 

That is when Melanie 7 arrived, yes, a different Melanie, a major change happened even after we had finished our family, who would have thought? I am Melanie 7 and every day is a struggle. I'm sure there will be more "Melanie's" throughout my life. Sometimes having your happy ending, isn't what you expected and the changes you still go through are confusing and frightening. I decided to focus on my marriage and my kids right now. I like to be by myself with my family right now, isolated, even minimal family contact. I tried, sometimes painfully to maintain close friendships with great old friends as I went through all these different changes and I didn't realize how taxing it was on me. After a certain point, even my best friends don't want to hear it anymore. They don't know what else to say or do. They don't UNDERSTAND, that's the problem. So where do you go from there? For me, I had to cut them off. Only the people that love me unconditionally and don't passively aggressively make me feel guilty for not being able to "give" as much to their relationships are allowed with my family. Only the people that have NO EXPECTATIONS and NO OPINIONS for who I am now, what I'm doing, how I'm doing, you get the picture. Because that's how I have to do it for us right now, even after we accomplished our goal and thought life would be much easier now. No each reproductive struggle we endure scars us, some deeper than others, some take longer to heal, but the skin will never be the same. We will never be the same, and that's ok. I'm not who I thought I would be right now. I'm living up to whatever potential meter I had for myself. I'm doing what I'm doing, and that's all I can do right now. Other people can take their judgements/expectations/advice and shove it. Most of them have NO EARTHLY IDEA, not even an iota, of what we've been through. And that causes such a huge disconnect even in the best friendships I've noticed. I know a lot of you feel guilty and sad when you have to do this but I can honestly say at this point, I don't feel those things. It's survival. I don't know what the nature of my friendships will look like in the future. I haven't even begun to explore that because like I said, I'm focusing on the us right now.

 

And as a last message here.... If I could go back and do one thing over, it would be this- I would cling to my husband (which I did in the beginning during the immediate traumas) but I would cling to him ALL THE TIME, we would cling during the fear, the unknown, the confusion, the death, the opposite moods, the pain, the anger, the hurt, the worry, the anxiety, the conflicts of opinion and feeling, we would cling during the down times when life was blah and there was no immedate crisis but we were just unhappy and blah, even then. Because I look back on all of the time we wasted emotionally and even physically separated during those times when clinging would have greatly benefitted us and gotten us through this stronger as individuals and as a couple. Clinging in fear and worry and distress and the unknown is an ODD concept to think about, but I would have done it, because the alternative did not work out for us and almost ruined us. I LOVE reading the blogs of women who are continually downtrodden (I don't love that part) but that say "This has made me and my partner stronger, and for that I'm grateful."

 

 

Ask me anything!

I haven't been blogging of late and I wanted to start back with an "ask me anything" section. If you have any questions or comments about any issue related to this blog or something you want me to elaborate on, doesn't matter how personal, I will answer truthfully. Ask away!! I look forward to hearing from you.

A different view of Mother's Day and some things I did during difficult pregnancies.

* If you don't want to read about the pregnancy stuff, then scroll to the last paragraph about Mother's Day. It's good!

I've never been the cutesy crafty type of person. I'm very much a tomboy. But after losing Ian and being blessed with Nathan so soon after, I knew that bonding would be difficult due to the fear and anxiety surrounding his precarious pregnancy. I knew that there were specific things I needed to do in order to ease my mind and connect me with my baby. Nothing overboard. I'm not superstitious and never entertained the idea that I was jinxing the pregnancy by doing these things although I understand others feel very differently and wouldn't get any benefit from the things I did. I just thought I would throw these out there. I will do it in list form:

* I wrote poems to him while pregnant, sweet, deep, and meaningful and I would read them to him often. They were positive and full of peace and love and hope.

* I slept with a medium stuffed bear who was pregnant and had a dress on that said "Momma bear" every.single.night. I'm not one to do something like that but I felt comforted and it put me in the right mindset to keep it together and do what I could to get him hear safely. As my belly grew, Nathan would roll towards momma bear and I felt like I had a little extra help, a little extra support, a little extra something special for the both of us, silly as that sounds.

* I would speak to Nathan CONSTANTLY. I would tell him everything. How I was feeling, good, bad, and ugly. I would tell him constantly how much I loved him and that I would do everything in my power to get him here safely.

* I would speak about things we would specifically do when he was born and as a child, in detail. Fun things, loving things. 

* I put his name everywhere. It was SO comforting to me. I found a baby license plate and a key chain with his name (I carried the key chain with me everywhere), a small painting with his name, it was on my desktop wallpaper, and one of those "name meaning" small posters, framed it and put it in his nursery. I didn't do much in the nursery, but the name thing meant so much to me I had to put it up. It made me feel positive, that he was present, which he was, and that eased SOME of my worry. It was definitely good having those things around for those times when the fear and anxiety were overtaking me and my goals weren't clear but instead intertwined with the thorns of doubt, anger, fear, jealousy, and grief. It helped redirect my mind and put things into perspective. I also spoke to others using his name instead of "the baby".

* I talked to Nathan during my pregnancy about his big brother Ian, what happened, how he will always be with us, and I spoke about him often and I realized after awhile that instead of speaking about Ian with the usual sadness and grief.... when I shared with Nathan, it became something else. A story, our story, and our family's story was continuing and it was my job to keep it all connected and real. That eased the pain of Ian's death and helped me bond with Nathan and start imagining what life would be like with a rainbow baby and an older brother for him to bond with.

* I sang to Nathan and rubbed my belly during quiet times. I figured out what body part was what and would massage them through my tight huge belly. Sometimes I used a lotion or candle nearby that was calming and one that I would use for years to come. I would inhale the scents while humming, hoping he could experience it even just a bit. I knew deep down that I may lose him, that was never far from my mind, so I figured I would make our short time together as special and sensory as possible. 

* I baked cookies with him, explained each step, tasted the batter, he felt the warm of the oven as I leaned my belly on it while it preheated. We tasted the final product together. 

* We had a routine (I did these things with my other son years later as well) but my routine with Nathan was a morning orange juice and breakfast biscuit from Hardees with some Michael W. Smith and Marc Shultz in the background. Every morning. And he responded, every morning. That routine was so special to me, one of my favorite memories. 

Nathan loves to hear these stories of what I did while pregnant with him. He fully understands the precarious nature of the pregnancy and that he wouldn't be alive with medical intervention. It's something we share now. And God forbid if he didn't make it, I would have those moments so treasured deep in my heart.....

Yes, a pregnancy with incompetent cervix after a second trimester loss and battling infertility is no doubt, a horrendous and terrifying task. I had the lowest of the low moments one could have in those situations. But peppering in the above little moments and routines and sharing with him DEFINITELY made it as bearable  as a situation like that could be. I am not the same Melanie. These things have changed me forever in many ways, good and bad. But those little memories, looking back now that we are finished with our family, those little memories are HUGE to me now and oh so special. 

Happy Mother's Day to all of you who are celebrating the day empty handed due to a loss or because your child has yet to make it to your arms. You are just as much a mother as the woman who has 12 kids tagging along after her. You are a mother in your heart, you go through the pain of treatments and negatives, but you are already a mother putting forth more as a mother to bring your children here, than so many others. Babyloss moms, you have endured the most tragic and important job a mother could ever do for her child. Sending them off from this life with love and honor and respect. Being strong and keeping their memory alive. Doing this while grieving and heartbroken in a society who minimizes the greatest effort a mother could possibly do.... letting go. It's a shame that Mother's Day is the way it is, alienating and separating women, rewarding some, degrading and ignoring others due to things they have no control over. If anything, Mother's Day should lift up those who are Mother's in their heart but not in their hands because ultimately, the mother's getting all the praise and fluff HAVE their greatest gift already, their children. And now that I have experienced Mother's Days as an infertile, a baby loss momma, and as a mother of living children, I can say that the difficulties of raising children-the exhaustion, the sacrifices, the worry, etc. is NOTHING compared to the lifelong grief I carry for the child who cannot be with me. Happy Mother's Day to you all. XOXO

From my dear friend Becca

Thank you dear friend for doing this for us. I LOVE IT. Thank you for remembering and honoring Ian in this way :-)

From my dear brother

Thank you dear brother for making this beautiful rememberance. You have no idea how much this means to me. Amazing.

Something you can do for me.

Another blogger that I follow has given her friends/family/readers a few opportunities to do something for her on this upcoming Mother's Day that shows her that her baby will not be forgotten.

One activity in particular was very touching and I wondered if anyone would be interested in doing this for us.

On Mother's Day, I was wondering if you could take a picture of Ian's name done by you perhaps with scattegory letters or baby blocks or written on a note or using magazine clippings, anything unique and creative that you can do with his name and send it to my email amorecappa@gmail.com.

I don't want Ian to be forgotten and Mother's Day is always bittersweet for me.  It would be wonderful to receive these on Mother's Day, showing us that Ian has touched your life in some way.

Please don't feel obligated to do this. Do this only if you are comfortable doing it, have the time, and if you feel compelled to do so.

Thank you all for continuing to read. XOXO

"A pair of shoes"

“A Pair of Shoes”

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.

To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.

Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.

These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.

They have made me who I am.

I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

~~Author unknown~~

Ian's pictures

I've really struggled with this one honestly. I'm not sure why. I've been overanalyzing it and perhaps it's simply the fact that I don't want to share him. I don't want strangers and loved ones alike seeing him in this state. I feel like somehow putting his picture up is leaving him vulnerable, like I'm not protecting him. But it's him. How can I tell his story and not show everyone HIM? I'm not ashamed or embarrassed. I don't want to be pitied or make anyone uncomfortable which I know will happen. I struggled with this all day today and finally I realized that my desire to be completely open about his story and my desire to show others who have been through this that it is ok to fully share, outweighs any other feelings I have about it. I'm trying to bring awareness that this is not a subject that should be taboo. We NEED to tell others what we've been through. We WANT to talk about our babies. I wouldn't be true to my goal if I didn't post his pictures. Also, over the past week I have a dear family member that took his photo and altered the coloring so that it wasn't so traumatic for others. She did an amazing job however I'm not going to post those. I'm going to post the actual picture. I can't bring myself to alter him. Because I am not ashamed and embarrassed, I will post his picture as is. It is what it is and I want to share this in the most honest and forthcoming way possible. This is one picture that I took "a picture of a picture" so the quality is bad but I will post the three pictures I took of it. Please don't hesitate to comment on him. I would love to hear your thoughts :-)
So without further ado- Ian Nathaniel Early

Happy Birthday Ian

Happy Birthday sweet Ian. We love and miss you so very much. You would have been 8 today :-)

Ian's story

I'm finally putting it down. The only reason I am doing it now is because I want it to be done before his 8th birthday on Sunday April 14th, and I'm going to do it a rather unemotional way. I've had SO MANY ladies contact me about incompetent cervix, cerclages, and my story that I feel it needs to be down at this point and the only way I feel I can do it, is with facts and not emotions. Maybe the emotions will end up coming out and maybe this will end up being super long like my other posts that I don't intend to be lengthy. * Update: This is incredibly long and graphic.

I'm copying and pasting this from my last post as a beginning to the story:

"I was a naive new pregnant woman, not wanting to ask too many questions and make a stink with my concerns, at a group practice HMO that had sub-standard care with doctors I never saw more than once. First symptom when I KNEW something was wrong and should have spoken up- I had a RAGING fever at 11 weeks, that had me in shakes, chills, and hotflashes, feeling almost dead for days and they said "Don't worry about it, your immune system is lowered during pregnancy and you will be more susceptible to being sick". I was passing out, dizzy, and out of breath constantly, blacking out, seeing spots, and had a tender abdomen the entire time. I was told, "It's all normal". I had unusual thoughts of impending doom, anxiety, night terrors about losing my baby, sleeplessness, violent outburts and I was told "These are pregnancy symptoms." I tried to suck it up. I was impossible to live with. I knew deep down that something was very wrong but again, I was naive and uneducated. I had NO IDEA how wrong it could be."

The start:

At 20 weeks and 5 days I had a vaginal ultrasound done to measure Ian and find out gender. I knew it was a boy just like I knew my others were boys but of course confirming it sent us OVER THE MOON. Josh and I have always wanted sons and always felt we would have two boys. She did the complete set of measurements on Ian, and didn't once check my cervix. I NOW know that it is standard of care to measure the cervix, or at least VIEW IT, via ultrasound in the second trimester when the measurements of the baby are taken. I was again, being given sub standard care. GET YOUR CERVICAL LENGTH CHECKED AT ALL ULTRASOUNDS and they can do it manually early on. It's so easy and takes ten seconds and may save your baby's life.

At 21 weeks and 6 days, I went into labor and didn't realize it. I did a lot of walking that day at a historical site and felt what I will call "tightening" on and off. I was in a cramped and HOT car in Florida for 4 hours and thought I just overdid it. I will try to describe from my point of view at the time, which was with NO experience and it was my first pregnancy. I was trying so hard not to be my usual alarmist, hypochondriac self. Starting at 9 pm until 5 am the next morning, the contractions were regular and painful. I had NO IDEA what was going on and sat in a rocker with my cat throughout the night and opened it would pass. I didn't even wake up my husband until 5 am. At 5 am I had lost my mucus plug and had bloody show. I woke my husband up and told him that something wasn't right. I STILL didn't realize I was in active labor.

Pre-admission:

We went to the ER and it a doctor over an hour to see me. She said she wasn't going to see me because she wasn't from my practice and that my insurance REQUIRED that I be seen by a doctor from my practice when at the ER. WTF. My parents were there by then and me and my father argued with her to at least fucking CHECK ME. She agreed but said she would do no further. I will never forget the look on face when she put the speculum in. She stated "Oh my goodness you are 4 centimeters dilated and your bags are bulging out." I cried out "I'm only 21 weeks and 6 days. That's too early right?" She said, "Yes, this hospital is equipped to revive a baby born at 24 weeks but no sooner, and even at 24 weeks the chances of life without disability is very slim. Let me get your doctor here and they will discuss it with you further. " She RUSHED away. I don't blame her. I couldn't even CRY because I was afraid it would break my waters. ALL emotion was kept at bay at that point. I was offically admitted. I don't know how much time elapsed and what happened over the next four days is a blur so I will try to gets my facts as straight as possible.

The decision:

I was not checked manually after that because they did not want to disturb anything. I was placed on immediate and complete bedrest. I could not get up for any reason and was not allowed to eat and had minimal fluids for four days. I vaguely remember them giving me something to completely stop my gastrointenstinal system, so that I wouldn't poop for awhile, I have no idea what it was. I had one ultrasound of my cervix done abdominally the next day and the specialist said that we had no idea if an infection was present or else an emergent cerclage could have been placed. They could not diagnose me for certain and they threw out the words "incompetent cervix" and briefly explained it. He said I was not a candidate for an emergent cerclage at that time unless they could completely stop my labor and all minor contractions/dilation/effacing for a period of time. This was the only way they could determine if there was an infection causing me to go into labor. If they were able to stop, it would be more likely that I had "just" an incompetent cervix. Although he made an educated guess that I probably had infection based on the fact that I was in active labor and didn't just have a premature rupture membranes or a cervical effacement with no labor.

He said our only option at that point was to try tocolytics (strong and dangerous drugs to stop labor) and the Trendelenburg position. The Trendelenburg position is when the body is laid flat on the back (supine position) with the feet higher than the head 15-30 degrees.

Tocolytics are drugs used to stop labor and the one they put me on was called Magnesium Sulfate. It BURNED going in my IV. I think they may have used another that started with a T. They can be poisonous to the mother after a short time, only a few days, and each woman tolerates it differently. Tocolytics are dangerous because they can cause fluid to accumulate in the mother's lungs and they are poisonous to the baby as well when used for more than a few days at a time. It IS possible to be on it for a few days, off, on, off, to try and tackle suppression of long term labor with NO sign of infection but it's not recommended. We were willing to do that though, ANYTHING just to keep him in longer.

I mentally prepared for alternating Trendelenburg position and strict bedrest for the duration of the pregnancy or at least to 24-28 weeks. There was nothing that was too harrowing for me to try, just to gain a few weeks. That particular hospital had an excellent NICU and had a fairly new protocol that stated they would try and revive babies at 24 weeks gestation if we wished, no sooner. I hear stories now about babies revived at 21-22 weeks and being healthy long term and I'm AMAZED. Even back in 2005 at a hospital with the top notch NICU staff and technology couldn't do anything near what they can do now.

I digress, I HAD to have faith that I would make it 24 weeks. I was very positive even through all of this. I was determined. Our decision to revive at 24 weeks was something Josh and I had to discuss at length, review with the hospital, and sign for. We were not guaranteed that they could even revive him if born at 24 weeks as they never know the "condition" the babies are going to be in and it's completely individual to the mother and baby. individual even anyway. They never knew the state of a baby until they were out so they would not make any promises, even to revive. But we decided we would give him any chance possible if I could make it to 24 weeks and that is a post for another day.

At 22 weeks and 4 days, after all drugs, catheters, and IV's were removed, I was allowed to eat soft foods. I was still not allowed to get up. I was being monitored for contractions with straps and I remember feeling relieved that I was unencumbered and happy that after the first hour or two, I wasn't contracting. We even joked with my parents but I still refused to laugh, sneeze, cough, or breathe deeply for fear I would deliver him. I had banana pudding and struggled to pee for the first time in a plastic "chamber pot". Ian was PERFECT this whole time, kicking as usual, heart rate perfect.... through all of this. A nurse who came in to check on me noticed after about 2 hours that I was obsessively rubbing my stomach. She told me to stop and that it was a subconscious sign that my body was still preparing for delivery. WHAT????

His arrival:

Within that hour, the contractions returned. I was in denial. I thought, "they are strong, they will subside, we can do this." They started to get stronger and I had to call a nurse. Josh held my hand, I couldn't look at him. As soon as the nurse entered the room and I saw the look on her face (they were monitoring my contractions from the nurses station), I felt the rush of a million heartbreaks start to envelope me and as they quickly wheeled me out in the hall on the way to a delivery room, I let out a wail that was so gutteral and so haunting that Josh remembers it to this day. This wail and the proceeding screaming occured as if I was experiencing it from the outside. It was NOT me making these noises. All of the pent up fear, pain, anger, hurt came bellowing out like a waterfall.

I'm starting to get emotional and cry and I'm afraid I won't finish so I need to do this quickly and with facts.

The contractions started hard and fast. Everything happened immediately at this point. They got me in a delivery room and transferred to a new bed. They tried to get an epidural in but my vessels were too swollen because I was in labor. I had to do this without pain meds. I became hysterical and heard my heart rate plummet on the machine, told the anesthesiologist that I was losing my hearing and passing out. He gave me something to bring me to and told Josh and I that we couldn't have general anethesia. I told him I wouldn't agree to that anyway.

I was still hysterical, so they gave me morphine. Even through the morphine haze, the physical pain was unbearable. Plus the psychological pain and resistance of not wanting to push. The nurses and Doctor were horrified, screaming at me to push, that I HAD TO PUSH. I screamed back in agony. NO, I DON'T WANT TO. YOU HAVE TO. Delivering a baby that is not meant to be delivered is the most horrendous emotional and PHYSICAL pain I've ever experienced. I will just talk about the physical pain. I have been through two other labors and multiple miscarriages at various stages, a D &C a D&E, two cerclage placements and removals and I can tell you there is nothing of this magnitude. You would think because the baby is smaller, that it would be easier or less painful, but even though my body was in labor, it still did NOT want to deliver.

I delivered Ian Nathaniel Early still in his bag of waters at 5:07 pm April 14th, 2005.  My bag of waters was black indicating infection and they broke it. He was 15 ounces and 11 inches. I did not want to hold him at first so they took him to the table and were surprised to see his heart still beating. They said they didn't know how long he had and did we want to hold him. I said no still, I couldn't, I was so sorry my baby. Josh said yes and they handed Ian to him wrapped up. I was still hysterical, apologizing and weeping to him in hysterics, obsessively, over and over.  Josh brought him up to his face, cried over him, told him how much we loved him and held him over me on my chest as he opened his mouth and tried to take a breath. I was both HORRIFIED and OVERWHELMED at the same moment. His perfection and beauty was OVERWHELMING and his dying in front of me was HORRIFYING. HE was PERFECT and such a beautiful mix of the two of us, just too small. I remember being shocked that he was alive but couldn't move his limbs. My parents were weeping to my left watching this. My mom (my parents were there and our priest to baptize him) could not BELIEVE that I took his towel off and looked at his perfect muscular little body. She cried "Why are doing that, leave him be!" My dad said "STOP it Jan, let her do it, she wants to he looks like." I kissed his nose and was HORRIFIED that it permanently dented his nose. My kiss damaged him while he was alive.... while he was dying. It's in the only picture we have, taken after he died. I was shocked that he was gasping for a breath that he would never have. The only thing we saw move on him was his little mouth automatically opening and close for breath, like a fish. Josh and I watched him go from fairly pink, to dark pink, to red as his brain bled under his skin, to purple, to blue. We saw it all because it skin was so thin and vasculature was right at the surface. He was gone that fast. Minutes. His eyelids were still fused together but he had the most incredible bright blue eyes that were visible through his paper thin eyelids. They were brighter than the brightest sky and ice combined.

A nurse asked for a picture. We handed him over for a moment. We see a smile in his picture. His eyes and smile were perfectly innocent and free from the horror we were experiencing. We cling to that. We held him for hours and finally gave him up in the middle of the night and left the hospital empty handed. That was the worst part but again, I will get into that another time.

Thank you for listening to Ian's story. Thank you for reading about our short time with our precious baby.

I was/am infertile.

*This is a post to avoid if you don't want to read about periods, my sexual activity, and PCOS. Definite TMI but I want the information out there.

I was infertile and I suffer from secondary infertility now.

Wow, that was hard to write. The emotional and spiritual issues associated with all of that will have to wait for another post. I feel I need to clarify some things about me:

I was as infertile as they come. Unable to conceive. For years. Many, many years. It was my issue. Without embarrassing my husband and putting information he doesn't want on here, let's just say he and his stuff excels in this area and leave it at that.

Some background: I was a late bloomer. I got my period at 12 and it has NEVER BEEN REGULAR. Not one. The periods differed in severity, some months when it finally came it was nothing, sometimes it was MAJOR and crippling. But more times than not, it was nothing. The first year I was dating my husband, I remember we noted that I had only 4 periods that year and we had sex every.single.day that year. There was no way I was ovulating. You might be wondering "why would she be taking that chance not using birth control without a diagnosis or knowing for sure. I always "knew". I don't know how else to explain it. I was sexually active for many, many, many years before being married and never used any form of birth control. I wasn't diagnosed with PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome) until I was 19 but I always knew. I have always been "stocky"- overweight, whatever, very Italian looking, thick head hair, short, tomboy, had a period of bad acne in college, etc.  I was also raised by strict Catholic parents and birth control and sex was not discussed. Birth control was not available to me. I was supposed to just abstain. Except I was premiscous. My entire life was controlled, except for the times I was able to be sexually active and hide it from my parents. That was my rebellion. I was naive and uneducated.  I spent years just hoping that "things would work out" and I wouldn't end up pregnant. I didn't even want to be married or have children, ever. In fact, I contemplated having an abortion if I were to ever get pregnant prior to meeting my husband at 19. But even then, then I somehow knew conceiving would be a challenge. In college when my husband and I had been dating for over a year, contemplating marriage, and I wasn't feeling well, I decided to be checked out. I went to a doctor and explained all of the lovely PCOS symptoms, had blood work done, said I read up on it and wanted to get on birth control to regulate myself and make sure I didn't get pregnant (haha) in the beginning of our marriage.

My blood work came back with HIGH testosterone and high insulin levels. I was diagnosed with PCOS and insulin resistance based on those results alone. I have never been hairy, never had actual cysts on my ovaries (although I'm SURE I have but it just hasn't been documented), never had skin tags or a lot of the other things that come along with it. But they said I had it just the same and that a lot of women don't present with all of the symptoms and that it's completely individual.

I was also told that "you may never be able to have children. Conception will be difficult at the very least." It was blunt and said very coldly. If I didn't already have a clue, I would have fallen apart at that appointment. And that was back when I didn't want children!!

I was placed on 500 mg of Metformin/Glucophage twice daily which was fairly new and controversial at the time. I was also placed on birth control. I immediately lost 20 pounds within a two month period due to the Metformin and it TORE my stomach up. I had a love/hate relationship with it and I would go on and off of it on a whim. Same with the birth control.

After we were married, I tried to 6 months to a year without BOTH and I gained 50, yes FIFTY pounds in that 6 month- 1 year period. I also came home every day and went straight to bed. My periods were irregular again and I had no libido and no energy. Not good for a new marriage.

I made a drastic decision that I was just sick of myself, went back on the Metformin and birth control, went on the SOUTH BEACH diet, was strict and stuck with it, and ran every day. I'm not sure how I did it. I have never and may never have that kind of self control/management again. Having my husband on board also helped. South Beach was new, the hype was all over and HUGE, low carb stuff was available everywhere (even at Hardees and McDonalds!!) and I saw immediate results. IMMEDIATE. Within the first three days. I've dieted a lot over the years, and this is the ONLY way my body can lose weight. The only way. I HAVE TO cut carbs. Nothing else works. And it's hard because I CRAVE carbs, even on Metformin. It was terribly hard but seeing my body change and my energy increase was so reassuring and that's what kept me going. I also think I have some major auti-immune issues going on and that it was a miracle I ever had any lasting pregnancies, but I do believe the South Beach helped with my inflammation and flares back then so that whatever is wrong with me in that regard was kept at bay (I'm only now going through testing for all of that, yes after completing our family, that's a whole other post though) I was about 23ish when I South Beach and all of that jazz and it had nothing to do with my biological clock at the time. I thought babies were way off and still wasn't sure if I wanted children. The drive to do this was strictly to feel better.

We made a huge move to Florida around that time and decided as soon as we moved down there that we wanted to start a family. We weren't ready but for some reason, BAM, my biological clock was a-ticking. I think starting fresh there, the sunshine, being lonely... they all were reasons I wanted to have a baby.

I came off my birth control (this is an important fact I will talk about in a minute) and I picked up an ovulation kit that September/October we moved just to see if I was ovulating. I had one period after coming off of the birth control, ovulated on time according to the kit (I was still so much less informed than I am now) and we did the deed. I got pregnant right away, didn't realize it like so many women wish, took a pee test a week after my period was supposed to be due, and it came back positive. WHAT? SO easy now that I knew what my body needed! Wow! I went in to the doctor that next week, it was now November, and found out I was 8 weeks and 5 days pregnant. We saw the heartbeat! My very first pregnancy, how awesome right? Unfortunately, this story doesn't end well, my sweet sweet Ian was lost at 22 weeks.

After we lost Ian we conceived N fairly easily after about 4 months. I did have to go on and off birth control for about 1-2 months.

Let me say no, and I have NO IDEA why this is- could be the PCOS and/or the auto-immune issues but it needs to be said. I've seen some other women experience this too. I have ONLY EVER BEEN ABLE TO GET PREGNANT COMING STRAIGHT OFF BIRTH CONTROL. Withing the month, either no period and I got immediately pregnant or had one cycle and then got pregnant. I'm thinking it regulated my body in a way that only birth control could do and my body, no matter what diet and exercise regiment I'm on, does not regulate itself to allow a "sticky" or long lasting pregnancie. Over the last few years I have gotten pregnant a few months after going off birth control (2-4 months) but they have ALWAYS ended in first trimester miscarriages. I DON'T think it's just a fluke.

I don't know if having my first somehow "kicked my reproductive system into gear" but I was surprised that we got pregnant with Nathan so easily. It could have been that my cervix was still very soft and effaced and the sperm just got right up in there. We will never know. We thought it would take longer.

Another thing that I feel needs to be documented with reproductive immunology booming now. I have had hives (some HORRIBLE all over my body and some barely there) with every.single.miscarriage. I always knew when those pregnancies were doomed. Except of course with my first pregnancy, my first loss, at 22 weeks, because that was not an early miscarriage and was due to incompetent cervix and Beta strep/Group B strep.

So back to my first and "easy" pregnancy. I was a naive new pregnant woman, not wanting to ask too many questions and make a stink with my concerns, at a group practice HMO that had sub-standard care with doctors I never saw more than once. First symptom when I KNEW something was wrong and should have spoken up- I had a RAGING fever at 11 weeks, that had me in shakes, chills, and hotflashes, feeling almost dead for days and they said "Don't worry about it, your immune system is lowered during pregnancy and you will be more susceptible to being sick". I was passing out, dizzy, and out of breath constantly, blacking out, seeing spots, and had a tender abdomen the entire time. I was told, "It's all normal". I had unusual thoughts of impending doom, anxiety, night terrors about losing my baby, sleeplessness, violent outburts and I was told "These are pregnancy symptoms." I tried to suck it up. I was impossible to live with. I knew deep down that something was very wrong but again, I was naive and uneducated. I had NO IDEA how wrong it could be. And I will stop here because I want to tell the rest as part of Ian's story.

I suffered from secondary infertility after my second was born, N, and it took us five years and a horrendous miscarriage to conceive C. I also suffer from it now, but we are done growing our family. I feel I had some chemical pregnancies inbetween there but I wasn't considering them pregnancies at that time. I have been pregnant since C multiple times and I have lost them at various times during the first trimester. I STRONGLY feel that there were THREE specific reasons I was able to conceive C in July of 2010 and that they all had to be "in line" in order for this to occur. I feel I know my body well after all of this so here it is.

The first, is that I had a miscarriage and emergency D&C on January 1st 2010. I see literature now showing that women with implantation problems and possible auto-immune issues undergoing IVF have a "injury" to their lining in order to help with that. Doctors will put a slice or do a D&C if I'm not mistaken to aid in the chances of implantation. I also think the first cerclage Shirodkar stitches I had placed with N so soon after losing Ian (which some pieces have been left in there, can't be retrieved) and the Teflon tape they used to keep it shut, may have interfered with me getting pregnant for many years. I feel that having my cervix stretched with the miscarriage and D&C in January somehow aided in my conceiving C in July. I have NO other reason to believe this other than a feeling I have. No doctors have mentioned either the cerclage or the tape affecting future fertility.

The second, is that I had came straight off of birth control and didn't even have a period when we conceived C.

The third is that I was not having ANY auto-immune flares of any kind. Which was unusual for me. It was just a good month, no allergies, no hives, no tiredness, no joint aches and pains, no hair loss, no edema, none of the lovely auto-immune issues that I face daily and have for years.

Call it luck, call it divine intervention, call it what you may, but I do REALIZE what a miracle it is that my body brought two living children into the world, particularly my second living child, knowing the full extent of how fucked up my body is (and I'm still learning).

I hope this helps some of you who are struggling with the same. This is SO MUCH LONGER than I intended!