Wednesday, September 18, 2013
I tricked you with my awesome post title didn't I? This isn't going to be uplifting in any way. Sorry. *Imagine the day in your life when you were the MOST tired, exhausted, and aching you've ever been. And you couldn't wait for that day to be over so the next one could be better. *Now imagine that none of your future days would be better, more energetic, more positive. *Imagine that your body failed in the most basic of ways, day in and day out, exhausted, your whole life. *Imagine the disappointment in yourself. Imagine the expectations that you needed to fulfill that you couldn't. *Imagine that you were an especially empathetic, sensitive, and feeling individual. Imagine that you knew the pain you caused others by something that was out of your control. *Imagine your friends and family who needed you to be there for them as they were for you. Brothers, sisters, best friends who needed a NOT tired and supportive friend. Just like you were before. And you couldn't do it. You were too tired. *Imagine children who needed a mother. Maybe a working mother that could bring in money. Or a stay at home mother that could teach them and nurture them. Now imagine that you were too tired. You couldn't work and couldn't be the mom you knew you needed to be. Because you are too fucking tired. Imagine the horror of birthing your SO LOVED AND WANTED children that you worked and toiled for, loss after loss, when you finally got your beloved babies, only to realize that you are too TIRED to properly care for them. Love only goes far, action is what counts. Imagine the guilt and pain of that. *Imagine you need to be the daughter that your parents raised you to be, the daughter in Christ that you know God wants you to be. But you're too fucking tired. Imagine needing to be a good daughter in law and renter, caring for a house, getting it ready to sell and show.... and moving for the 7th time in 10 years. Imagine that. But you're too fucking tired. And it has to be done. But you're too fucking tired. And no one really cares... because it has to get done and your husband is working, so who is going to do it? *Imagine all the hope you put into doctors and medicine, only to be told that there is no medicine, therapy, or cure for your TIREDNESS. There is no pill or treatment. Imagine you've spent over a decade trying different medications and therapies, things no one even knows about other than your husband. But your body doesn't care. You aren't special, there is no magic, no karma, no good deeds you can do to make this different. It will continue and possibly get worse as you get older. You're too tired to exercise and eat right. At this point, you're too tired to even care. *Imagine being told your worst day will repeat until you die. *Now imagine your beloved husband. The person you imagined a happy and full and fulfilled life with. The person you would do ANYTHING FOR. Through thick and thin. Ten years. Waiting for the day when things will get better. Waiting for his wife to return. Waiting with hope and positivity as each negative event beats them down. When will the happiness return? Why can't he fix this, he just wants to fix it and move on. Not understanding why his wife is too tired to love him fully and care for him. Too tired to be happy or even pretend. He thinks this is all his fault. No one can imagine an illness taking someone's love and affection and care away indefinitely. Imagine the day he realizes that it won't get better. That he will have to sacrifice his own happiness, his own well being, his own money and time, for his entire life, while he watches his wife suffer, in pain and guilt, and he can't do ANYTHING about it. You tell me what man can actually give 200% in those circumstances. Keep strong forever. I'm telling you, IT CAN'T BE DONE. Even the most loving, the most character filled man, will crack. Don't tell me otherwise unless you have lived it. *Imagine that the above is your life. And that you are 32 years old with two young boys and very little support because who wants to be with the suffering miserable wench for more than a hot second? What fun is that? Imagine BEING that suffering miserable wench. *Imagine being happy on your 32nd birthday when you wish you were never born. *Imagine that.