Monday, September 16, 2013
And the diagnosis is....
I wish there were only one. I went to my initial appointment with my Rheumatoid doctor last week. She came highly recommended and didn't disappoint. She diagnosed me with Lupus, Rheumatoid Arthritis, and Fibromyalgia. She also says "there is definitely something else going on" and referred me to a neurologist and an ophthalmologist. I can only imagine what the "something else" will be, an alien in my brain perhaps? I hate this shit. I hate being "sick". I hate being negative. I hate who I've become. I hate that other people are tired of "this Melanie". I hate it all. Life has turned out to be a real cluster f*&#. My stupid 32nd birthday is on Wednesday, my husband is out of town for the week for work, and no one seems to want to hang out that evening which I don't blame them because even I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH ME. It still stings though. I'm disappointed in myself, I'm disappointed in my life, I'm disappointed in the people in my life who should be helping me get through this time but instead are burned out with me or whatever. If I hear one more "Chin up, be thankful for what you have, at least you have this or that, it could be worse, look at the other worse tragedies in the world, live in the moment, stop worrying so much" I'm going to SCREAM and mentally punch them in the face. If you can't just support and love me for who I am now, UNCONDITIONALLY, and if you can't accept that I am no longer a person who can help you with your shit right now, then just go away. I've been helping people with their shit my whole life and I've been trying, trying, trying to be who everyone wants me to be. Look where it has gotten me. NOWHERE. I have every right to mope and be pissed for as long as I want. Does it help anything, probably not but it's my damn choice and I'm sorry if I haven't mastered how to be AWESOME POSITIVE MELANIE while my life falls apart. That's all. Happy f-ing Monday.
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I am so sorry. Those kind of diagnoses must be so hard to accept, because I don't think any of them really have a "cure", you just manage it as best you can with medication and painkillers and who knows what else. And then to have the unknown hanging over you with the "something else going on." It must be really scary for you.
ReplyDeleteI also hate it when something bad happens and everyone is so in a hurry to get you to stop feeling bad that they have to say stupid things like that (chin up, be thankful, etc). Why can't people say something like, "Oh my god, that is awful, I am so sorry," or something appropriate like that. When we're really blindsided by something, it takes time to process it, and it's not helpful at all to have someone trying to get your mind off it. You have to take the time to talk and talk and talk about it until you can make some sense of it all. At least, that's what I have to do. I still do it.