I need to blog about my husband. Some of you may know him, some may not. This is not a "my hubby is the best ever and has never done anything wrong and he is perfect" kind of blog. He and I have made horrendous mistakes in our marriage, in many ways we have marred each other forever when we were feeling low and couldn't offer each other the support we needed because we were going through hell. No, this blog is about the reality of a marriage that started innocently and in love, that has, in the last ten years, endured horrors that no one should ever have to go through, burying children, precariously hoping through pregnancies that we would have a live baby this time, major medical issues causing major financial issues even with good insurance, spiritual issues, separating from my poisonous parents and being disowned by them because we chose to live our life with love and kindness.
We left a house that we had bought down in Florida that we loved. Our finances were in order, terrific credit, etc. But we could no longer be around them and weren't being true to ourselves and moved back to Virginia. And then I had miscarriages, my mental illness reared it's ugly head, I began job hopping and then finally I couldn't work any longer. This is very unlike me. Yes, life has beaten me to a pulp. I was always the main bread winner and controlled all of the finances, but I was stuck in my despair, unsure if I wanted to stay on this planet.... How does a spouse deal with this, and for years and years with no seeming hope or end? Watching his wife in pain. Watching her try therapy and a million different meds (which we can't afford) and still no peace for his wife. I liken this to the movie "What Dreams May Come" with Robin Williams when he has to go to the "depths" to bring his wife back. That is us. I'm still not totally back, I'm hanging off a ledge and he has a firm grip on my hand as he is standing at the top of the ledge and as I hold on he is inching my way to the surface of the rock. In real life, My husband immediately took over and it was so very hard for him because he has a creative mind, not one that easily takes care of "business and finances" but he had to do it. He got multiple part time jobs to make ends meet, dealt with (and is still dealing with) our terrible debt and poor credit because I just can't work right now. I'm physically and emotionally unable to be an employee in any capacity, particularly not my usual line of work. I'm Bipolar and if anyone has ever lived with a person diagnosed with Bipolar, you know how DIFFICULT it is. So very difficult. But he loves me and he says he would have it no other way. The last two years have been particularly hard. But if we can get through the hell that has been the first 10 years of our marriage, and we still love each other and want to be together, than we feel we will be together forever, nomatter what is thrown our way.
I thought I was getting comfortable after having Caleb and deciding that our two boys made our family complete. Then I realized, just because our journey to have children has ended, there are a million other journeys we are now facing and that my husband and I stand united in front of this entity "What is to come" and stand tall, holding hands, appearing strong and united. We hand "What is to come" a book of how we were able to get through everything, everything that has been thrown at us thus far and we are better than ever together. You may think, how can you be better than ever when you are hanging from cliff and he is holding on to you for dear life?
Because my friends, in a true loving relationship, the true test is how you hold up as a couple when things aren't going well. I would take this Melanie and this Josh anyday, even after everything we have been through, even though I am hanging onto him for dear life at the moment. Because now we know after being tested over and over, that we aren't going to break, that meeting these tragedies and difficulties head on and TOGETHER in love has made us better people independently AND as a couple. That is priceless and it can't be attained any other way. The Melanie and Josh from when we first married and who were what you would consider "better than ever" because we were standing together looking to the future and we had our things in order.... but we hadn't been tested. And in the tests, love of infinite dimensions develops in a relationship, it comes from many places. From being in the moment with that person when you deliver a baby/or are watching her deliver your baby and he dies in your arms, true character and true LOVE is displayed during these moments and after, when we had to hold each other up in different ways and at different times, letting go of the anger together and moving through the grief, you learn a lot about someone going through something like that. Sharing pain and grief that no one else could experience in this situation, learning what your partner is like in the worst of circumstances, holding each other up, becoming new people that are changed and hopefully in time we can be better and better. And then each tragedy afterwards may be equally as horrible but now you know as a couple that you can DEAL with this and come out on the other side stronger in your relationship. And I can say for both of us, that if we had a choice, we would go through it all again, the same. Yes, sounds crazy. But THIS Melanie knows that my husband is behind me 100%, will support me through anything life has to offer, he will support me and vice versa. There is comfort in that, it adds a new dimension to the love I have for him that could have only been acheived by going through the trials we have. Neither one of us would trade that for anything. We also feel that changing anything we've been through isn't what was supposed to be..... we have learned to accept and love having a son (and three other children) in heaven and that binds Josh and I together even more. It's sad to hear that couples who have lost children have a higher divorce rate. Don't get me wrong, we have had some bad times of our own making and not dealing with issues and not communicating well and those have been the lowest times in our relationship. It's not easy. But if you perservere, are sensitive to each other, and communicate, and becoming stronger together is a goal, YOU WILL MAKE IT! And maybe one day you will be surprised like I was, that wow, our relationship is so far beyond what I thought it could ever be. I love him/her more than I ever thought even as we are going through (name whatever trial you are going through). From the very beginning after Ian died and we would weep in bed together every night.... we commited to getting through this stronger. We said that we would NOT let this break us independently or as a couple. Unfortunately I have struggled greatly with the tragedies in my life breaking me but Josh understands and offers his hand over the cliff, and we work our way back together.
And I told you guys I would be perfectly honest on here so I have to add that whenever I picture us standing face to face with "What is to come", the only fear I have in my brain I whisper as a prayer to The Almighty.... "Please don't take my soul mate. I can handle anything in this life if he is here. Please don't take him. I don't know if I can live this hard life in this hard world without my best friend. Please don't have that in yours plans. He and I can get through anything you throw at us. Just not that, please."
I love you Josh, my soul mate, my best friend, always and forever